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Monday, October 27, 2014

Dear Life

Dear Life

Why is living you so hard? Why are you full of heartache and grief?
How do obstacles always appear, just when I feel a little reprieve? 
I’d like to know if you laugh, do you make fun of my plight?
Do you take joy, do you smile, and do you love the sight?
Why must I live through a family broken? Or the despair of a loved one’s death?
Why do I feel such pain, and cry, why at times must I struggle for breath?
This is what I ask on so many occasions when it seems I can’t overcome.
My mind spins with emotion and I begin to come undone.
I consider my options, contemplate what shall I do?
Should I leave, should I die, should I just remain blue?
The struggle continues and I take to my knees.
I pray and I pray, “Please hear my plea”!
The tears roll down on my cheeks as I plead.
“Father in heaven, help me I pray, this is my hour of need.”
“Why don’t you hear me, why don’t you care?”
“Please let me know that you’re really there.”
I wait and I listen but only silence I do hear.
I concentrate harder for the silence do I fear.  
There is nothing but breathing, heavy and strong,
I hear my heart in my chest like the beat of a song.
Rising louder the breathing and beating becomes.
Into the sounds do my thoughts quickly succumb.
It evolves into music with a melody fine.
It floods thoughts and memories deep into my mind.
I think of my childhood, with sisters and brothers.
I remember the laughing as we played with each other.
I feel the arms of my mom as she wraps tightly around me,
As I cry into her bosom after skinning my knee.
I picture my dad and I playing catch in the field.
He laughs as he tosses the ball and I squeal.
Out loud I utter a joyous chuckle and start.
Overwhelming happiness fills up my whole heart.
My prayer now forgotten, despair disappeared.
All thoughts of the darkness are now wiped away clear.
Thank you my Father for helping me see.
Thank you for setting my troubled mind free.
So life, I believe in you, no matter how many woes.
Regardless how dark, through it light always glows.
No matter how cold, the warmth overcomes.
From within me it burns and depression is done.
Dear life, you are special, you are precious to me.
For you I’ll give thanks when upon bended knee.
My prayers no longer will utter complaint.
But my life full of joy is the picture I’ll paint.
So remember my life, as you do what you do.
I'll always keep going, and I'll always love you.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Horrible Dinner Eti-"Cat"

      Here is an experience that I have shared many times and wrote down in my journal years ago. I've been asked on multiple occasions to share it on my blog. I've decided to go ahead but I have omitted some names to protect the innocent! I will warn you that some of you will find great humor in this, but others will be horrified. I hope that the humor will outweigh the horror.



      I served a mission in the California Santa Rosa Mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints from Nov. 1988 to Nov. 1990. I had many wonderful experiences that helped shape my life in so many ways. The people that I met are still cherished and many are still in contact with me today.

     The Santa Rosa mission covered the northern coastline of California. It ran along the Hwy 101 from the Golden Gate Bridge to the Oregon border. The area included the beautiful wine country of the Napa Valley as well as the mighty Redwood forest.

     While serving in the city of Santa Rosa, my companion and I were invited to dinner at a church member's home in Sebastopol, a small town about 4 or 5 miles away. The member was an elderly lady in her upper 70's or possibly early 80's. She was very sweet and visiting her home was like visiting one of my grandmother's.

     Dinner was planned for 6pm and we were riding bikes so we left Santa Rosa a little after 5pm so we wouldn't be late. This also allowed enough time for us to get off our bikes and cool off a bit so we weren't too sweaty going into her home. The bike ride was nice. I had been riding bikes during my entire mission and was in great shape. The terrain was mostly flat with just a few hills and the landscape was beautiful.

     We arrived at her home about 10 minutes early so we waited for a bit before we knocked on her door. We wiped the perspiration from our foreheads and locked up the bikes together. We walked up the steps and knocked. There was no answer so we knocked again a little harder. After a few seconds we heard the door handle start to wiggle and she opened the door. (I will refer to her as "Sister Smith". Her real name will not be revealed for reasons you will understand later.)

     Sis. Smith was so happy to see us and I could tell that she didn't have company over very often. We were happy that we could spend some time with her and alleviate some of her loneliness if only for an hour or so.

     As we walked into her home one of the first things that caught my eye was that there were lots of pictures hanging on the wall. Oddly, only one of them was of humans. I guessed that one was of her with her parents many years prior. The rest of the pictures were of a cat. All the same cat. Some of the pictures had the cat dressed up in cute little outfits. Others had the cat playing with a toy or some string. Some were just serious pictures take from what looked like a professional studio. My companion and I looked at each other and I could tell he was as taken back as I was.


     Sis. Smith invited us to make ourselves comfortable as she was still finishing up cooking the meal. We offered to help but she said there wasn't much to do and we could just sit and rest for a bit. We walked over to the sofa and sat down. Almost immediately the cat from the pictures came around the sofa and started purring and rubbing against my leg. He looked to be pretty old and a little overweight. Probably spoiled by this sweet old lady. Sis. Smith said, "Jasper, say hello to the missionaries." I reached down and gave the cat a little scratch behind the ears and then left him alone. I am not a big fan of cats and wasn't real interested in getting to involved with Jasper.

     Jasper continued to rub my leg but I just ignored him as I tried to carry a conversation with my companion and Sis. Smith who was talking to us from the kitchen. After a few minutes the cat began to scratch and claw at my pant leg. I tried to pull my leg away. Again, more scratching and clawing. I was nervous that my pant leg would get ripped or marked and I didn't have the funds to buy new clothes so I kept pushing the cat away. I even tried to push him over to my companion's pant leg but Jasper would have none of that. He came right back to me and clawed and clawed. I could feel his little claws on my skin through my pants and I was starting to get real annoyed. I kicked at the cat. Not hard but just enough to back him away from me. He bounced right back to me.

      I couldn't believe I was having to fight this cat! My companion was not helping the situation either. He just laughed and kept saying "sic him Jasper, sic him!"

      Finally I had to do something that would make the cat want to stop. What could I do. I didn't want to cause a scene in front of this nice old lady who was making me dinner. Without much thought I reached down and held my hand in front of Jasper's face. I placed my thumb over the nail of my middle finger and then quickly flicked the middle finger at the nose of the cat. The face of my fingernail caught Jasper square on the nose.

      I should just end the story here...But I can't.

      Without a whimper, whine, screech or sound, Jasper dropped to the floor at my feet. I stared at him for a few seconds. He wasn't moving. Not even a little. I nudged him with my foot and still nothing. I turned and looked at my companion. He had stopped laughing and now his eyes were wide and he had a look of pure horror in his face. "Is he dead?" he asked.

       Again, I nudged the cat with my foot. I reached down and tried to lift him onto his feet but he slumped right back to the floor. I didn't have to answer my companion's question. Jasper was dead.

      Horrified I looked up towards the kitchen. I had been unaware that Sis. Smith was still continuing on with our conversation. I mumbled something to her just to keep her aware that we were listening. I turned back to my companion and asked him what we should do. He said I needed to tell her and I rebutted vehemently to the contrary. "Look at her!" I exclaimed. "Look at this room! This cat is her whole life!"

      I saw the realization come over my companion. If we told her what happened she might die from the shock. I didn't know what to do. That is when I had what I call a stupor of thought. This means that there was no thought involved in my action. I reached down and lifted up the skirt of the sofa we were sitting on. I grabbed Jasper with my other hand and quickly swept him underneath and let the skirt back down. My heart was racing and my stomach was sick. My companion wasn't doing much better.

      I then sat through the most uncomfortable dinner of my life. She was so happy and tried so hard to please us with her conversation and a good meal. After finishing our meal we said a prayer with her. Sis. Smith asked me to offer it. Worst day ever. I stumbled through it as quick as possible without sounding like we were in too big of a hurry. We shook her hand and told her thanks and she showed us to the door. I hesitated on the porch and thought about telling her about Jasper. I looked into her tired old face and just couldn't do it. I walked away and we rode our bikes home.

      I never found out how Sis. Smith found her cat. I hoped it was quick and that Jasper hadn't began to stink or anything. I prayed that Sis. Smith would be OK without her beloved feline companion. I also prayed that God would forgive me. I didn't know what was worse, killing Jasper or withholding the fact from Sis. Smith.

      I still despise cats. But I would never intentionally cause harm (or worse) to one. Especially one that was so dear to someone that I knew. All I know is that the whole "cats have 9 lives" story is a farce. Unless Jasper had been nose-flicked 8 other times.


Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Hitting the Road and Putting on the Ritz

     In March of 1985 I was in the middle of my sophomore year at Highland High School in Pocatello, ID.  My sister, Melinda had come to visit from Alaska the summer before but had spent all her money that she was to use to get back to my Dad's house. So she was living with us and was miserable. She was pretty upset that she had to go to school in Pocatello and most of her anger was towards dad because he wouldn't pay to fly her back. While she was living with us she tried to set her own rules and agenda and it wasn't playing out real well with mom and my step-dad. This led to lots of fighting and eventually led to a major blow up. Things got physical and I recognized the situation was worse than normal and so I stepped in and helped my sister get away and out of the house. We went to our Bishop and he called dad and told him that something needed to be done or they would call in social services and have them step in. The next morning I was at Highland High School collecting my things. Was not able to say good bye to my many friends as I was in a hurry to get to the airport. Melinda and I were soon on a plane heading to Salt Lake City. That would be our first stop on our way to Alaska. Dad had found a way through the help of some church friends to fly us up to live with them.

    I had never flown before and I was pretty scared. Melinda did her best to try and calm my nerves but I was still white-knuckling the arm rests the entire flight. The second leg of our flight was a little easier. Partially because it was a larger plane and partially because I met some pretty cool guys on the flight. The Portland Trailblazers were flying with us. They had played the night before in Salt Lake and were heading home. I was able to meet Clyde "the glide" Drexler, Kiki Vandeweghe, Sam Bowie, Terry Porter, Caldwell Jones, Mychal Thompson and even coach Jack Ramsey. They thought it was pretty interesting how much I knew about their team. They thought it was pretty funny that I was trash talking them as well. You know I had to let them know how great the Lakers were!

Finally, late that night, after a full day of flying, we arrived in Anchorage. We had to wait for a bit for my dad to come pick us up at the airport so we wandered around and looked at some of the Alaskan art and displays. One display had a huge Kodiak Grizzly bear. It was the biggest bear I had ever seen! Even larger than the huge Polar Bear in the Karcher Mall in Nampa, ID. In one area I was able to watch a video on Alaska tourism safety. It warned us to stay clear of wildlife like moose and bear. One segment showed the strength of the Kodiak Grizzly as it stood up on its hind legs and with a mighty swing knocked a full grown horse to the ground. The horses neck looked like it was made out of rubber as it took the blow and fell to the ground. I've been around horses many times and I know just how large a horses neck is. To see what that bear did was devastating. I was convinced that I would avoid the bears no matter what!

     I was so excited to see my dad when he finally arrived.  It had been over 3 years since I had seen him last. We talked the entire 4-1/2 hour drive home about all we had missed. We got to his little home really late and Becky and the kids were in bed. We quickly did the same. I drifted off to sleep with the days events replaying over and over in my mind. I couldn't believe I was in Alaska. I was with my dad.

      The first morning when I awoke and saw the kids and Becky I instantly felt loved and accepted.  Whatever negative feelings Becky might have had from our previous time living together was undetectable.  The kids were great also.  John was four now and had grown into the cutest little guy.  He reminded me of the kids they would put in commercials on television.  He didn't remember me but did remember Melinda and seemed OK with her return.  Heidi was two years old and was the life of the party.  She seemed to know when all the attention was on her and she liked it a lot.  She had a little pug nose and short dark brown hair.  She was definitely a Hallenberger. Rebecca was less than two weeks old and was so tiny.  She was the only one in the family who wouldn't feel the pressure of all these people in such a small home.

     After we dressed we drove twenty-two miles to Homer where we would be going to school.  The drive was beautiful and the last couple of miles were breathtaking.  As we approached town my jaw dropped as I beheld the most beautiful view I'd ever seen. Majestic mountains surrounding an ocean bay and a small town that had a piece of it stretching for a few miles into the bay. I was in heaven.

Homer was a nice little town.  Population was only about 2,500 and seemed like a peaceful community.  We went to the High School and registered for classes.  Surprisingly we started school that very day.  Most of the students I met were very friendly.  A couple of my classes would be challenging as I had missed a couple of weeks in the new semester and would need to catch up.  I didn't get to see the band class the first day and was anxious to see how that would go.

The next day Dad woke us up early so we could get to seminary in Homer by 6:15 AM.  I was used to having released time during school hours at our Idaho schools for seminary so it was a little strange to have it so early. My seminary teacher was Nancy Seljestad.  I found out that she was the bishop’s wife.  She was very nice and everyone I met in class was very friendly and welcomed me warmly.  I would enjoy seminary no doubt.

After seminary I hitched a ride with some of the other students and we drove over to the High School.  My first class was band and I was surprised that the band wasn't much smaller than Highland’s.  For the size of school Homer was I was expecting a band that was half the size of Highland’s band.  I was introduced to the class and was directed to a side room where I could get one of the school tubas to use.

There was only one tuba player playing and I found a seat next to him.  The director had everyone pull out some music and began counting down to begin.  I ha
d not warmed up yet so I just blew some warm air through my instrument and listened to the rest of the band play.  I couldn't even hear the other tuba player except for a couple notes here and there.  I decided to join in after the first stoppage of play.

When I began playing I was concentrating on the music a little too much because I had never seen it before.  Sight-reading was never something I was too good at.  The director cut everyone off and I was one of the last to notice.  It was like déjà vu when I realized he had stopped the band from playing for the same reason that Mrs. Leeds had stopped my junior high band.  It was as if they had never heard a tuba before.  Everyone was turned to the back of the room and staring at me.  The director didn't say anything to me but he told the other tuba player to put his tuba away and rejoin the trombone players.

After class there was a number of students who sought me out to say “Hi” and introduce themselves.  It was as though I was the most popular guy in school and it was only my first full day. And I was just a tuba player.

After school I caught the bus home with Melinda.  It took about 45 minutes to an hour to get home with all the stops.  When we got home I told Becky about my day and she seemed genuinely happy for me.  Melinda had a great day as well and I could see how pleased she was to be home. When Dad got home we quickly ate dinner and then we had to leave again to go to Mutual, which is a weekly Young Men and Young Women activity sponsored by the church.  Members and non-members alike, ages 12-18 are invited.  So we headed back into town.

When we arrived I was really surprised to see how many people were there.  Far more than had ever showed up for Mutual in Pocatello.  They were practicing a road show that they would be doing in a competition about five weeks later.  Dad introduced me to everyone and a few of the kids said “Hi” and patted me on the back.  I was given an assignment where I was to participate in the road show and we began to practice.

It was a lot of fun and I had a good time learning the skit, which was a group dance to the song “Puttin’ on the Ritz”.  Sister Seljustad wrote and choreographed the entire show and it was quite professional.

I quickly fit in and could see that I would have many friends from this group.  One guy in particular was Tony Darling.  The guy was hilarious and he was the Teachers’ quorum president.  I could see that everyone liked him and that he was flamboyant and outgoing.  He was dressed like he was a member of music duo Wham who was so popular at the time.  He was dressed in jeans and a polo shirt with a sort of salmon colored suit jacket.  His shoes were Converse Hi-Tops that I think he had colored green himself.

Tony was very friendly to me and I hoped we would be good friends.  He was kind enough to introduce me to the rest of his friends, Ron Carroll, Nelson Swett, Reuben Sherwood, Sandy Titjen, Andrea and Elizabeth Carroll, Karen Maloney, and Matt Degraffenreid.  He also introduced me to his own sister Jenny Darling.  They were all so nice and I could tell they all enjoyed being together.

Another person I met that night was Ginger Howard.  Ginger was a couple of years younger that me and had a different group of friends.  She caught my eye much the same way that Diana had in Pocatello.  She was a shorter girl with beautiful tan skin and and dark eyes and wore her hair similar to Princess Diana of England.  She seemed to draw a crowd of friends herself.

Needless to say the night was wonderful.  In fact the only aspect of the entire evening that didn't sit well was the reaction by my own sister Melinda.  She seemed upset and standoffish with her friends.  I couldn't understand why as she had been welcomed with hugs by everyone.  They were so excited to see her.  She was excited to see them as well but apparently not so excited to see them so welcoming to me.  I think she may have felt ignored though I didn't think she was at all.

The next day I got to go to the “mall”.  It was not like the malls I was used to but for a city of Homer’s size it was very nice.  Becky took me to a place where I could get a jacket, as I didn't have anything but a heavy coat that she felt looked ridiculous.  I picked out the coolest black zipper jacket.  It had the look of some of the “parachute” clothes that people were wearing at the time.  The “Michael Jackson” look is what they were going for.  We then went and met Dad who took us over to the DeGraffenreid’s home.  Dad had done some work for them and he needed to pick up some money.  While we were there we also picked up a purebred Chocolate Labrador named Pepper.  The DeGraffenreid’s couldn't keep her anymore and had offered her to Dad.  She was a beautiful dog with a shiny brown coat.  John and Heidi were ecstatic to take her home.

We then went back to the mall which I learned was owned and operated by Ray Evarts.  Ray was a counselor in the bishopric at church and was a very successful businessman with businesses in Alaska and Washington.  Dad did a bunch of small construction projects for Ray and they were good friends.  John and Heidi knew Ray as “Papa Ray”.  In fact Heidi’s middle name, Rae, was after Ray Evarts.

When we arrived at the mall, Becky took the kids and went home while Dad and I stayed to talk to Ray about a remodel he needed for the Fried Chicken/Ice Cream shop that was and connected from the inside to his Grocery Store.  He wanted Dad to add a wall and remodel the ice cream display case.  It was a fairly easy project as far as the actual remodel was concerned, however the time frame that Ray wanted it completed in was going to be a challenge.  He said we needed to start it that afternoon and have it finished first thing the next morning.

Dad agreed to do the project and we quickly began to put some plans together.  Dad had most of the materials we would need so we only had to pick up a few items from the hardware store.  Within an hour we were smashing out the old walls and the display case.  It was going to be a long night and we knew we wouldn't be able to waste a minute of time.

I had never done any carpentry or any type of construction work before so I could only do whatever Dad asked me to.  I believe I was a huge help and Dad didn't have to pay me but it would have been a much quicker project if he would have had some experienced help.

It was a great experience though.  I learned a lot about applying math and algebra in figuring measurements.  I learned about how to structure walls, run electricity and use power tools.  The best part of the experience was working with my Dad.  This is something I had never had the opportunity to do before.  We had a great time.

We listened to Oldies country radio the entire night.  We heard songs such as “Bony Fingers” by Hoyt Axton and “The Battle of New Orleans” by Johnny Horton.  We sang along with the ones we knew and just enjoyed the others.  We only broke for a short time to eat a late dinner and then kept on working.  Around 4:00 AM we were starting to run on empty and I was beginning to zone out of our conversations.  I had to keep getting up and walking outside so the cool air could invigorate me a little.

We finished the project around 7:30 that morning and it turned out great.  I decided to go to school even though I had not slept at all.  I didn't want to get behind in any of my classes that I had just begun.

The day was long but I made it through OK.  I slept the whole way home on the bus and luckily someone woke me up at my stop.  I walked home, chopped some wood, ate dinner and went to bed early.  4:45 AM came pretty early and I knew I would be tired if I didn't get to sleep early.

The next few weeks were busy and full of activities.  I spent many evenings at the church practicing for the Road Show.  The days were filled mostly with school.  When I was home I was either working on homework or outside chopping wood.  I chopped a lot of wood.  Dad said that we soon would not be using much of it everyday but we needed to stockpile it for the coming winter.  That was a number of months away but it didn't bother me to get it done.  It was the one chore that I had ever had in my life that I enjoyed doing.  I would create challenges for myself to see if I could chop more logs each time than I had the previous outing.  I began to get pretty good at it and I soon noticed that I was building some upper body strength that I had never experienced before.

I finally had to ask Dad for a heavier ax head so it wouldn't be so easy to swing. This made the chopping much quicker however as the heavier weight would force its way further into the logs causing them to split with fewer swings.  I would often lose myself in my wood chopping while listening to the Beach Boys and before I knew it a couple of hours would pass.  Becky would call me in for dinner and I would have to hurry and eat so I could still get my homework done.

At the Road Show I was feeling more and more comfortable with the program and with everyone involved.  I also had found out that Ginger Howard liked me the same way I liked her.  She wrote me a note and called me “Ace” and signed it “Digger”.  This was her nickname and “Ace” would become my nickname from then on.  The infatuation that we had with each other definitely made the Road Show that much more enjoyable.  I looked forward to each practice and it helped relax me from the stress of being the new kid.

As the Road Show approached, we all felt good about the practice that we had put in, and that we had an opportunity to place at the competition.  Homer had never fared that well at these shows and we were determined to do well. Our costumes were spot on for the program. We were all decked out in tuxedos, top hats and each of us carried a cane as part of the ensemble. We looked like a bunch of little Fred Astaire clones!

The Road Show was to be in Anchorage on a Saturday so we had a special recital for the Homer ward during mutual on Wednesday night of the same week.  Our performance was flawless and we received a standing ovation from the ward.  We tried not to let it go to our heads however by remembering that a number of the audience was our own loving families.  We were aware that they truly enjoyed the program however, as their joyful faces could not lie.

The trip to Anchorage was a lot of fun.  We were scheduled to stay with some families in Anchorage on Friday night and most of us from my age group stayed together in a large house on a hill.  The house was elegant and spacious and the couple that lived there was an elderly couple who were very nice and welcomed us warmly into their home.

Tony and Jennie Darling, Nelson Swett, Reuben Sherwood, Karen Maloney, Andrea, Ron and Elizabeth Carroll all joined me at this home.  We had a great time.  Most of the evening we played games and I listened to everyone try to get me to get the courage to actually talk to Ginger.  They all thought we would be a cute couple and though I agreed with their sentiment I just couldn't get the courage to make anything happen of it.

The next day we had a short rehearsal before lunch and then went and watched as all of the other groups began their shows.  We were scheduled to go last which was nerve racking and as we saw how good some of the other groups were, we were worried that if we weren't perfect we would not achieve our goal to finish in the top 3.

Finally we went to get ready during the second to the last performance.  We said a simple prayer as a group and then took the stage when our ward was called.  It was so exciting.

The curtain opened and we were all looking down at the floor in our various positions.  I could feel the heat coming from all of the directional stage lights that were pointing down upon us.  It was really neat when the music started and we began our show.  The lights made it so we couldn't see anyone in the audience.  This helped us relax and concentrate on each other and our skit.

The performance was the best we had done.  It was better than our performance in front of our families.  We received a standing ovation and the curtains closed.  We all hugged and before I realized it I was in the full embrace of Ginger Howard.  Though I'm not positive, I like to think that she sought me out specifically.  I held the hug longer than she likely anticipated but she didn't try very hard to pull away so I didn't find much motivation to let go.

We then were escorted back to our seats where we anxiously awaited the judge's results.  After the 3rd and 2nd place teams were announced, we all hung our heads.  We had watched both of those groups and they were amazing.  There was no way we could compete with them.  We were still pretty happy though because we knew that we had done our best and that the audience had loved our performance.  Just as we had accepted our fate the winner was announced.  Pandemonium ensued as the "Homer" group was called to the stage to accept the championship trophy.  I was as excited as everyone else and enjoyed the way everyone shared in the celebration. My joy was probably even more enhanced as the hug from Ginger was still on my mind!