The Joys Of The Teenage Aging Process

People who knew me growing up were very aware of my lack of musical talent outside of my tuba skills.  Though I considered myself a master at the tuba, my singing was not nearly as easy on the ears.  I had the unique ability to sing an entire song using just one tone.  They call it monotone.  It is very boring and to be honest, not very musical either.  Well, when I started going through puberty and my voice began to change, all of a sudden I was able to hear my voice better and was able to correct the monotone syndrome.

This made me more willing to sing in church with the rest of the congregation but I still did not have the confidence to sing by myself or in an organized choir.  Then one day I was messing around at the piano in the music room with my friends Tony Darling and Jimmy Holderman.  Jimmy's mom was the choir director and Jimmy was obviously trained well as he could sing tenor beautifully.  Before the end of the previous school year I heard him at one of the school concerts.  He and three other guys had put a quartet together and did a rendition of "Bobbie Sue" which brought on a standing ovation.

As we were singing and playing on the piano we were unaware of Jimmy's mom standing behind us enjoying our little musical playtime.  When we did finally noticed her, she walked up and introduced herself to me.  I told her that I knew who she was and she said she knew who I was as well. I was surprised by that and asked her how she knew me.  She said that the Band Director couldn't stop talking about his new tuba player.  I smiled at that and tried to show some humility.  "I'm glad he likes me" I said.

She asked me if I was going to try out for choir to which I chuckled and shook my head.  "I'm not much of a singer" I said.

"Says who?" She asked.

"My dad for starters. My sister, brothers and probably my mom, though she would be nice about it.  I can play an instrument but the voice is not impressive." I implied.

"Horse manure." She nearly yelled. "You have one of the most beautiful tenor voices I've heard from a young man your age. And it is natural which is even better.  Jimmy has a beautiful voice but he has had to work very hard at it.  With a little training you could be an All State Choir member."

Surprisingly, Jimmy didn't flinch at that comment.  In fact he seemed to be supportive of what his mom was saying. Jimmy was really good, too. I didn't think I could ever be as good as him.

"I doubt that", I said.  "I really have never sang much. Actually until a couple of months ago I was completely monotone."

Mrs. Holderman gasped.  "You're kidding."

"No Ma'am, until my voice changed I was completely tone deaf when it came to my own voice."

"Well all that matters now is that you can hear it today and I want you to try out for a tenor position in the choir."  She said firmly.

Tony patted me on the back and said it would be great to have me in the choir with him.  Jimmy also chimed in and said it would be good to have another tenor besides himself that could hit the high notes.  I shrugged my shoulders still tentative on the idea, but agreed to anyway.  "What do I need to do? I asked.

"Stand next to the piano and we'll do it right now." She said.  "I will play some notes and I want you to mimic my playing with your singing."

I agreed nervously as I wasn't at all comfortable doing my "try out" right in front of Tony and Jimmy, both of whom were exceptional singers. Mrs. Holderman played some runs that went up and back down and then jumped from here to there to check my hearing.  I followed along singing the best I could under the circumstances.  She would every once and a while correct my posture and showed me how to sing from my diaphragm for more power and to open my mouth more for more sound.
When we were finished five minutes later, she grabbed my shoulders and told me that I would be a 1st Tenor in the Choir sitting right next to Jimmy.

The next few hours I was in a bit of a stupor.  I never imagined singing in a choir and now with little thought or preparation it was going to happen.  When I told my Dad and Mom that I was going to sing in the choir, my Dad was nearly as shocked as me.  But he congratulated me and was happy that I would be able to add to my musical talents.

Melinda was not as excited when I told her.  She was already in the choir and had been singing her whole life.  I guess she didn't feel I had earned it like she had. Melinda would have her moment of glory however during our first concert. Unfortunately it would come at my expense and not due to her own personal performance.

It was the first concert in the new Homer High School.  I had been volunteered by Jimmy Holderman to do the solo for "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".  It wasn't hard to convince his mom either because I was the only male singer in the entire choir that could sing the main part so high.  There were three verses and I had the first verse all to myself.  The remaining two verses would be sung by the girls and by the entire choir respectively.  I have never been so nervous in my entire life and I practiced during every free moment of every day.  Later in the concert I would also have another part that wasn't for singing but was more of a funny thing and I was totally OK with that.  The singing part was causing me to nearly throw up.

I held it in however and gathered myself together as we filed out in a line and assembled as a choir on the bleachers that had been set up in the cafeteria area.  It was a large open area that had a second story with railing so you could overlook the cafeteria all around the perimeter.  People were lined up along the railing looking down upon us.  The rest of the cafeteria was set up with rows of folding chairs that covered the majority of the floor space.  These seats were completely full and there were people standing all around when they couldn't find a seat available.

I looked out into the audience and about half way down the rows on the left side I saw my Dad and Mom with John, Heidi and Rebecca next to them.  Though I wanted to make them proud, my nervousness elevated even more and I again held back the convulsive gag reflex and urge to spew.
The music began for our opening number and I tried my best to carry the tune with my fellow performers.  I knew already that the solo was at risk.  The first two words out of my mouth were barely noticeable as human.  I trudged ahead and tied my best to allow my vocal cords to warm up.  I figured that after a bit they would loosen up and I would be able to form real sound instead of the crackling warble that I so expertly released.

The first song finally ended, or should I said unfortunately came to an end, and Mrs. Holderman announced the second song.  "The choir will now sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" with a solo by one of our Junior tenors, Horace Hallenberger."

I couldn't believe that she said my name.  What little of an Adam's apple I had at that age just about dropped into my chest cavity.  I stepped forward to the microphone in front of the choir and cleared my throat.  Before I could notify Mrs. Holderman that I was (or wasn't) ready, she cued the piano to begin.  My gut wrenched and I felt the blood in my head drain down into my feet.  I was going to pass out.  I could feel it coming.  But it didn't happen.  Somehow I remained on my feet and heard the piano crescendo to my intro.  My heart began to beat rapidly and before I realized it I began to sing.
It was supposed to be "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight".  I know for a fact that is what I was thinking and that my mouth was forming those words.  But the sound that I produced was not classified as singing.  I may have been able to attract an elk with that unnerving pitch but even then the elk probably would have attacked me just to stop the racket.  It was horrible.  Not like when I was monotone.  Back then I couldn't hear that I was bad.  I heard it just fine on this night.  I continued the unintentional yodeling through the end of the 1st verse and before I finished I caught sight of my family.  My dad was slowly sinking in his chair to where I couldn't see his face anymore. Mom had her hand over her mouth and her eyes were wide with horror.  The only good thing I saw was John and Heidi happily enjoying their time out of the house.  At least I hoped that they were not enjoying my personal demise.

I ended my solo on a high-pitch squeal similar to that of a balloon as the air is slowly let out from a tightly stretched opening.  The horrified faces that were looking at me from the vast audience reminded me of what people look like as fingernails are dragged across a blackboard.  My Dad had completely disappeared below eye level and Mom's cheeks were wet with tears.  Even John and Heidi had stopped what they were doing and were listening intently.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Mrs. Holderman let out a sigh.  Finally it was over.  She could now put her trust in the choir to take it from there and hopefully erase the memories of the past minute of dread.

I stood there as the second verse began. I couldn't move, frozen solid where I stood.  The world seemed to slow to a near crawl.  The song continued to play but, to me, was completely unrecognizable.  It was like noise underwater.  It seemed like it would never end.  I would never be able to get off that stage and lose myself among my classmates.  After what seemed like eternity, the song finally ended. I didn't hear it end myself, but Mrs. Holderman's hand brought me out of my stupor and back into reality, back into my moment of sheer terror.  As I refocused on the audience in front of me, I realized that they were all still clearly focused on me.  I shrank before them and slowly absorbed myself into the bleachers full of my peers.  It was like oil mixing with water as I entered their midst.  You'd have thought I was a leper as my friends avoided any contact with me as I passed by.  Once in my position I turned and with my chin to my chest stood quietly as the concert continued around me like nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

I would never be able to show myself in public again.  It was all I could do to keep from crying. However, that would have just magnified my humiliation.  I tried to listen to the rest of the songs but I had no inclination of participating.  I heard soloist after soloist sound like angels and my misery became more and more dark.  As I stood wallowing in self-pity, another song came to an end and I heard Mrs. Holderman's voice again.  "We will now have a special fun number that the choir has been excited to perform tonight. Many of you parents will remember The Purple People Eater from when you were kids."

The next words from Mrs. Holderman chilled my bones to the very core.  "Performing as the Purple People Eater is once again, Horace Hallenberger."

The collective shock from the crowd was not hid as a combination of groans and whispers permeated up through the columns toward the stage.  My Dad's head once again sunk below the line of sight, only this time it was like he was one of the moles that pop up and down in the Whack-a-Mole game at the fair.  Even the best at that game would have missed my Dad's noggin as it was seemingly sucked down like a vacuum.

Mrs. Holderman smiled at me and nodded for me to get ready.  To my surprise there began to be pats on my back from the choir encouraging me to go.  So as planned I sat down on the bleachers where no-body could see me and I placed the cornucopia on my head like a hat.  Then I placed the glasses that we had attached a giant eye to on my face.  Some angel wings were then strapped to my back.  Before the concert I was excited about this part of the concert.  I thought it would be fun and make people laugh.  Now I didn't want to be seen even with a disguise.

The song began and I knew what I had to do.  Would my body obey the commands coming from inside my brain?  What if I clammed up?  The thoughts ran rampant through my mind.  As I thought of all that could go wrong, suddenly it came to me.  What else could possibly be worse that what I already had experienced.  How could three minutes of acting the Purple People Eater be worse than singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" like a dying raven?

Before I could rethink it, the first verse came winding down and my choir mates lifted me from my seat and launched me back out on the stage.  I raced around the stage and into the audience sniffing and acting like I was looking for something to eat.  As far as singing I didn't have to do much.  During the second verse I had to say in a hi-pitched voice "I wouldn't eat you 'cause you're so tough!"

The crowd really ate it up and I began to hear some clapping and cheers during the song.  It was such a relief that came over me that my energy level increased quickly and before the middle of the third verse I was hamming it up with the audience.  I danced around and jumped up and down and then I would say my line at the end of each verse.  "We wear short shorts" and "I like short shorts".  I sang them clearly and with gumption.

When the song came to an end the crowd erupted and we received a standing ovation.  Mrs. Holderman motioned for me to take a bow and the crowd was really behind me.  My Dad was even applauding my performance. For an instance I forgot all about that sleeping lion.