'Twas The Night Before Christmas, The Sequel

‘Twas The Night Before Christmas, the Sequel

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through our house

 Was a disaster the kids made and one by my spouse.

The stockings were singeing by the fireplace too near, 

I hope that St. Nick avoids entering here.

The children were wrestling all over their beds, 

While visions of injuries danced in my head;

And mamma in her sweat suit, and a baby in my lap,

Thought of our soon to be short five hour nap.

When out of the house there arose such a clatter, 

I nearly dropped the baby trying to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, 

Stepped on a toy into the wall I did crash.

When I finally came to and peered out in the snow,

 My eyes were blinded from my neighbors’ light’s glow.

But my sight readjusted and my view became clear,

 And I thought I saw Santa and nine tiny reindeer.

At first I saw eight, as Rudolph was slick, 

Hidden among lights I couldn’t find him as quick.

Ignoring the beagles that barked as he came; 

He whistled, and shouted, it sounded profane.

“Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid, Donner, Rudolph and Blitzen!

From the top of the porch to the ground we did fall, 

Now please stop laughing at my pink handmade shawl!”

As dry heaves racked Comet and tears froze the rest’s eyes, 

Santa righted the sleigh and they flew to the sky,

So back to the housetop the courses they flew, 

Santa cracking his whip at the snickering crew.

And then I heard cursing amongst the tapping of hooves, 

“Where is the Chimney, for it is not on the roof?”

We ran for our beds without making a sound, 

And in from the front door St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, 

And his clothes were all bloody from his fall with his loot.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, 

And ripped though it was, he opened his pack.

His eyes looked bloodshot, yet his dimples so merry! 

 His cheeks were frost-bitten, his nose a raspberry,

His droll little mouth, a fat lip it did show, 

And the beard on his chin mangled of hair, dirt and snow.

The stump of a pipe must have busted some teeth, 

One on the top and about three underneath.

He had a broad face and was slim at the belly. 

 He must have read Atkins’ and threw out the jelly!

Once chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, 

And I laughed when I saw him as he’d lost most his self.

A blink of his eye and a twist of his head, 

I heard old joints cracking, he sure needs a bed!

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

He tried to fill stockings so hot he did jerk.

And using his finger he wiped blood off his nose, 

Downed the cookies and eggnog getting crumbs on his clothes.

He sneaked out the door and in his sleigh he did wiggle,

 Then glared at the reindeer that continued to giggle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

 Next year I’m sleeping all Christmas Night!

  

- Horace Hallenberger 2006